Appreciate, Affirm, Accept and show Affection to Your Children
By: Nathlee Grant
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When
we appreciate, affirm, accept and show affection to our children we give them
materials that build self-esteem and confidence. This encourages them to
confidently stand up for what they believe in and motivate them to do that
which they aspire to do. When these materials are missing, the opposite is
true, there is no self-esteem or confidence and as a result they shy away from
situations.
I
would only condemn me if I condemn you.
In
reflecting of my love for my children, maybe two years ago, I realized that
though I love them I was not able to express it. My expressions were anger and
frustration which were results of unmet expectations. These unrealistic
expectations only filled my heart with anxiety and fear that produces anger and
rage. Pointing out their faults and flaws was easy since these would be the visible
things in these moments. Constant strings of failure reminded them that they are failures. I was not in a position to
authentically express appreciation, nor to affirm, accept and give loving affections
to my children. I was too caught up with self-pity and doubt. I was relationally
unhealthy. But you know, until we receive and accept God’s love we are not able
or capable of giving love.
A
mother responded to her child’s request, when he asked for help with putting on
his shirt, saying “Are you a handicap, didn’t God give you two hands, don’t
bother me and hurry up”. The child cried until he got the shirt on. Days later
the mother was doing her laundry and wanted to have a conversation with her son,
so she asked, “Son do you want to help me with the laundry?” Should I tell you
what his response was? I will tell you nonetheless. He said, “Mommy I will
answer you just as you answered me. ‘Are you a handicap, didn’t God give you
two hands, don’t bother me?” Don’t think I am making this up, because I am not.
Could he have known any other response considering this is the response he has
gotten accustom to.
We
can change the pattern:
I
had to take a silent moment and honestly assess my feelings towards my
children. I started by asking the tough questions:
- Do I accept them for who they are?
- Do I appreciate them?
- If I do, can I affirm them?
I went as far as to imagine some terrible
things they could do and ask ‘can I authentically
hug them in this’.
Our
children need us so that they can be secure in who they are and whose they are.
Listen
to Dr. Kathy Koch on Focus on the Family as she explains the 5 Core needs of a child.
